I was stunned when I found out that Robin Williams has left this world, and I was even more heartbroken to find out how. That definitely hits me deep. He was such a great actor, so funny and had this great sincerity. A lot of comedians seem to battle depression; I suppose comedy is a outlet to deal with those inner demons. I can only hope that those that suffer with their own demons can find a better way to heal their hearts other than ending their lives. Even with my own demons, I can’t imagine ever wanting to leave this world when there is so much possibility and hope.
Life gets better, but you need to hang on.
From Aladdin to Hook to Mrs. Doubtfire and the very underrated The Crazy Ones (which I think I’ll be rewatching very soon now), I’ll always remember his spirit, and will continue to laugh with him when I see him on screen – albeit with deep sadness – as I think about the pain that must have been in his heart. Rest in peace you funny, amazing man. Make those angels laugh.
International Suicide Hotlines: http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html
US Suicide Hotlines: http://www.suicide.org/suicide-hotlines.html
Did you know that today is Bell Lets Talk Day? Bell Canada will donate 5¢ to mental health initiatives across Canada with every text and long distance call made by a Bell customer. Mental health initiatives? Uh, heck yes! I’ve been texting like a fiend already today. What a topic that’s near and dear to my heart.
But no worries – people all around the world are now helping with this day because Bell is also donating for every tweet sent using the hashtag #BellLetsTalk – so lets get those tweets going! They are also donating 5¢ for every share that their facebook post receives.
Much love to all those that struggle like I do with mental health issues. You are not alone.
The rain is coming down and the skies are dark with clouds. The tree above seems to fall apart like the sky. This painting, though visually different, is actually very similar to The Balloon. Life is harsh now, and you may have lost hope, but times do change, and the sun will rise again to fill the sky with warmth once more.
Half of this painting is dark and dreary. The tree appears to be dying but the other side is beautiful and strong. The painting gradually moves into warmer, brighter colours where the glorious sun rises up. Look forward to that sun because tomorrow is another day!
“The Balloon” represents a time when you might feel a little hopeless. Everything around you seems to be crashing down and you are trapped. Trapped and tired. So very tired.
But close your eyes and listen. Listen to that breeze blowing all around you. Feel it surround you. And breathe.
And when you are ready, open those eyes and take a look around you. Look all around, because a glimmer of hope may just be a little closer than you think, if only you would open those eyes.
I’ve wanted to create some paintings that had the same emotions as the Secret Anxiety painting I did ages ago, but I was never quite inspired enough to create something similar. This painting is a small stepping stone towards reaching what that painting meant to me. I suppose at first glance, it’s simply a female with long flowing rainbow hair and it can be easily left at that image of beauty in many colours. To me, I see a woman hiding away from the world, surrounded by this grim, dark, colorless life. Perhaps she isn’t the most stable person on the block; everyone has some inner turmoil to deal with. But I see her slight insanity, her chaotic brain trying to break free from her cage and reaching out into the unknown.
Or maybe it really is just a girl with rainbow hair. That can be up to you.
I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about where I wanted to go with my Etsy shop for a few weeks now. I wasn’t really satisfied with what was there and it wasn’t really me. I mean, yeah, the love for cute, colourful animals is a part of me but I’ve felt like I could always do so much more than that.
I’ve learned that I’ve really wanted to put more of myself into my paintings and into the shop. I guess you could say that I want to bring a bit more “crazy” into Rainbow of Crazy. I’ve gone through a lot emotionally over the last several years and struggled through a lot of physical pain with my fibromyalgia, the brain fogs and the mental ups and downs. I want to bring some of that into my paintings.
A little while ago, Shawn had brought up a great point that I didn’t really think about before: over the past few months, I would talk to him about how I didn’t really know what to paint and how I’d be stuck for ideas, but back when I first started to paint, I created imagery like this painting that dealt with my fibromyalgia, and he said that I never had to tell him about the paintings.. I would just paint them. I didn’t have to hesitate, I didn’t struggle with it. I simply painted what I knew.
I want to explore this emotional side more and see what comes out. I really do want to look at my shop, at a portfolio that I created and be like, “you know what? I’m really proud of everything there. Because it’s totally me.“
This painting is a glimpse of that “crazy” of Rainbow of Crazy. One of the things people with fibromyalgia talk about is something called “fibro fog”, where your brain just feels really foggy or fuzzy. Though not exactly like that, something that can be a little similar is the feeling of being disconnected. Quite a while ago, I had read about Dissociation and specifically Depersonalization disorder, and it’s this feeling of detachment from your surroundings, or even from your physical body. Ever feel like you’re in a movie? Floating around aimlessly? Where mentally, your brain actually feels like it’s miles away from your body, like you can see yourself from above. I can’t actually say that I truly have this disorder, but I’ve felt this way before. It was one of the strangest feelings ever, and this painting is kind of my way of touching on that subject and that feeling of just.. floating.
I get a whole slew of symptoms from my fibromyalgia: pain most in my fingers, wrists, shoulders, the back of my neck, and once in a while in my lower back. Course it doesn’t stop there; there’s tender (painful) points pretty much everywhere on me; also light pressure on my throat, jaw/tooth pain (very rare), and my joints crick and crack. There’s fibrofog (fuzzy memory, inability to concentrate), depression, random bouts of nausea, and I’m always, always yawning and groggy.
I’m not here to complain though! Just that because these symptoms have been flaring up more at the end of 2011, I decided to really work at getting it all under control in 2012. I have been trying to be more active over the last two months or so but I want to really step it up because exercise is such an important part of controlling fibro symptoms. I was on the treadmill this morning for this photo and reading more into self care tips. Hopefully things will go well and I can keep this up.
And you know, losing at least 5 pounds would be a nice bonus.
I did not want to make any new art. In fact, I’ve had a lot of other things on my mind and wasn’t feeling at all like I was in the right mindset to be working on new artwork this entire month.. or much else, for that matter. Relationships have been so rocky, my fibromyalgia/depression has hit strong the last few weeks and I’ve been pretty down over that and a lot of other things the past month or two. (I wonder if I have some SAD in there as well. The dark dreary winter months never do help.)
I spent the last few days working on some much needed cleaning. My original thought was to start some heavy duty cleaning in the new year, but a few days ago I found it really, really tough to find the right motivation to do much of anything; so I decided that well, if I’m not going to do anything, I might as well clean. (That and my fibro’s been brutal on my fingers and wrists as of late and really needed a break from the computer.)
And after a few days of just taking my time with cleaning, moving things around and organizing a bit, I actually kind of surprised myself and felt like doing a little painting tonight. I’ve had The Lovers tarot card on my list for the longest time, but hadn’t felt like I was feeling the love, I suppose, to be able to actually paint this one. But tonight, I managed to pull out the sketch and started working on it. And you know what? I kind of feel good about it.
Here’s hoping that the last few days of December are as enjoyable as starting this painting has been, and to a much brighter New Year.